wouters parenting blog

Is happiness important to you?

———————————————————

When is sick sick enough to let your child stay home from school?
It can be a challenge to figure out whether your child has a desire to simply stay home, read a book, be pampered or is getting sick!

Our daughter has provided us with many lessons over the years, but this one is very clear.
At times I thought that she was well enough to go to school, or it wasn’t all that convenient for us to have to arrange things so she could be home..and it didn’t look all that bad…
Well, we’d be shown our error pretty quickly.
later that day she would phone from school, needed to be picked up and for sure was sick for a few days at least.

She simply listened to her body, something we taught her to do.
And she is always right.
It is us adults who don’t always want to believe her.
Tough it out, you can go to work with a cold, a starting flu, can’t you?

For us adults it is often an attitude we pay for later in life with illness or ailments because we neglected to listen to our bodies for so long.

I  had a back problem for many years.
Every year I put out my back at least once and pretty bad too.
Had to crawl to the bathroom on hands and knees, could get up for a week or so.
With massage therapy, painkillers, musscle relaxants.
And yes, a week to ten days of laying low, reading, sleeping, being cared for.

It got to the point where I “went down” for ten days more than once a year.
And my wife wasn’t happy with that. Having to catch everything behind me and care for me as well, while I read, slept and rejuvenated.

I tried to figure it out and realized that I didn’t allow myself to take time for myself enough to rest, enjoy and recharge. My back made sure I did. And who can feel guilty laying there like that?

Once I had figured out that my back was giving me - undeniable- signals that I wasn’t taking care of me, that my balance was out of whack too much, I changed.

1. I changed my thoughts.
I told myself that I would never need to put out my back again. (Instead of havig a weak back that goes out every once in a while) 
2. I changed my practice.
I do my exercises regularly aimed not at my back alone but at my whole body. Yes at tiems it takes quite more discipline than I would want to have!
3. I listen to my body.
I started to look for signs that I was either doing things that were not good for my back or getting stressed out.
4. I take my body’s signals seriously.
I take days off, relax and do nothing and deal with the ingrained thought patterns of guilt when they come up. Just recognizing that my trained thoughts need to be replaced with once that help me find and keep a more healthy balance.

It is now almost 4 years since I put out my back.
Yes, it is a source of information for sure and sensetive at times.
But I listen better when the signals come.
And I haven’t been forced to lay on my back and do nothing again.
Now I take the time to do that without pain en fully enjoying it .

And my wife is happy that I do.
I prevent myself from forcing her to pick up my pieces, my neglected balance.
And that is better for all of us.

Listening to your body helps.
Are you listening?

And are you teaching your child to listen and take the signals of their body seriously?
Parenting can be difficult. When illness isn’t handy right now or we hear our mother’s voice in the back of our mind with a different way. And especially in overcoming our old ways of thinking that made us “tough” but neglected parts of our health we need to look at.
Listen to your children.
They may have a valuable lesson for you too.Our daughter certainly had for me.

Our daughter certainly had for me.

Hello all.
Well, summer has flown by, especially with my wife’s dad having a stroke and like many of you with older parents, we are running back and forth.
Trying to be there as much as we can, taking “care turns”.
But, he’s well off with his mental capacity fairly good, although it makes him overestimate what he really can at times.

Family, sometimes you wonder who came up with that idea!
If you look around, siblings who get along really well are far outnumbered by the ones who don’t.
Some of us really get along with our parents, if we see or know them at all.
Many of us have small or big issues, coming from our relationship with our parents. Issues we deal with on a daily basis.

It isn’t much like the wonderful picture we all get presented about family.

“Family, the group of people who live harmony from the day the parents met, to the day we all pass over in peace”

For most of us it is a lot more complicated than that. So if you are the exception, enjoy it!!

So how can we make sense of all the complex relationships, issues and scars that come with family?

Depending on the culture you live in or come from, family is the core, a big or small group , a tight knit or widely dispersed group.But in all cultures family is important, even the ones where children are raised by the community, where the community is family.

Family, whether your own and/or your adopted one, is the base where you learn about life.It is where you learn to trust or mistrust, feel safe and confident or threatened and incompetent.Whether we like it or not, that also counts for our parents.They come with their own luggage into that relationship that makes them into your parents.

It is amazing how much responsibility nature has given to inexperienced young people: Raise our children! One of the most complex tasks we can have in life. And we’re thrown into it knowing little about what to expect, how to avoid old mistakes. About how to actually create harmony and a place where young ones learn to trust, love and feel confident.It is a recipe for repeating patterns, either good ones or dysfunctional ones.

So what happens?We leave our family life with a diploma in the crash course of life, presented by inexperienced teachers with their own issues, our parents.

Can you avoid, change, overcome the deep roots, the issues of the family you are embedded in?

Yes you can.

We have many teachers in life. Our family members are only part of a small group.We can give them more credit, more power, more influence than others.

Or we can decide not to.

It is your choice.

In everything you do, your past plays a part. The more aware you are of that, the easier it becomes to change it. You can choose to make your parent’s, your sibling’s comments, ideas important or not.You can choose to do as before or change.

How can you do that?1. Pick one thing you would like to change. 2. Think about how you would like it to be. Feel how you would feel if that worked well.3. Practice with how you would like it to be. First in your head, then with others you feel comfortable with, then with the people who challenge you most.4. Be kind and loving to yourself as you fall and get up: it is a process, not an event. It is a lot easier to fall back into old ways than to create new ones.5. When you feel judgment about yourself, by others or yourself, re-focus on how you want it to be. Just remember that you don’t have to do it in any way others tell you. It is your life, your responsibility.6. Declare yourself a student in life, determined to learn to achieve your goal. 7. Celebrate your successes and pick a new one to tackle!

Family, it can be a great teaching ground for life.Become a loving, caring student of life and you will increase the chance that you will create a better home for your children too.

So we create more homes that are now the exception, homes where children grow up learning to trust, feeling safe and confident.

I know you can. It is up to you to choose to do it.

Wouter

I am off to Holland.
My dad has just turned 90, so we’re going to enjoy a few weeks in the Netherlands (with a side trip to Paris of course).

My dad was a late starter as a parent, he became a father for the first time when he was 34.
That is 56 years ago!
He has been a dad a lot longer than he was a child at home or a young guy doing his own thing.

And you would think that parenting is easy after all those years.
Not always so.
We are a stubborn bunch in my family and those moods come and go in waves.
My parents still deal with all of that to this day!

It shows that when you are young, when your kids are small, you are really investing in your life long relationship as a parent and child.
By finding ways to accept each other and to communicate so you each can hear and understand without blowing up, you are investing in joy that may come many years later.

Parenting, guiding, giving advice, setting boundaries isn’t just about today, or when they are home.
It is investing in your child’s future and in your future relationship.

I met a professor once, who was struggling with some of his son’s behaviors and how he wouldn’t listen. 
I urged him to keep at it, setting the example and telling the reasons why.
I said “You may be surprised when you see him in ten or fiteen years and what he actually does then.”

He suddenly smiled and then burst out into laughter. “I was a rebel in my youth” he said.
“I didn’t do anything my parents told me. And if my mother would see me now! I am doing exactly as she told me then!”

We both chuckled, because it isn’t much different for me. My closet, my room is more organized now than ever in my teen years, and I do the laundry, put it away too.

Parenting is a life long adventure. And by investing now, maybe against some stormy weather at times, you increase the chances of having a great relationship for those many years after they have left home.

Have fun while I’m off to my birth city of Amsterdam, wandering over the markets, the canals and simply sitting on a terrace, sipping my coffee as the crowds wander by in their many different outfits, haird styles and much more.

Talk soon,

wouter 

Hello dear parents!

I have been running around as you know, from PTA conference to PAC conference to school council conference.

It is just one of those things. We try to find a balance in our home, my wife gone two of the weekends around mine. 
Which meant that our daughter had one on one time with either of us over the last 6 weeks! 
She doesn’t mind too much, somehow we both (as parents) are more relaxed when the other parent isn’t around. Nothing to think about in terms of I wish she/he would do that. Its all yours when the other parent is gone.
Still nothing compared to being a single parent though. What a balancing act that is!
Try three kids, all clubs, lessons and more to keep track of, earn an income and be more than the single parent (like wanting a life for yourself!)
I admire you all!

Here it is time for reflection.

The first full year of The Parent Program is complete. Some challenges are dealt with, others keep bugging you and me.
The feedback from parents is great and I will take all that to work on over the summer.
One of the ideas was to give you a break in between somewhere, so you can catch up, relax a little and let things sink in.
I will also slightly change the format to make it easier to go through.

I have been asked to put it all on audio too for people who love to listen those many hours in the van!
And many more ideas and suggestions I am taking into consideration!

My dad turned 90 today. That sure gives food for thought. Not only the celebrations, which are going really well I hear. (We’ll be going over to Holland in a few weeks when school’s out, so we can all go.) A life long of parenting, being a parent, that is for sure. But also the many goodbyes with people falling away around you, when you get that high up in age.
He’s not ready to go yet, that is for sure!
Happily enjoying champagne, croissants for breakfast and more!

And that is a good thing!
Enjoy life and your kids,

wouter 

Hello dear Parents!

I had the pleasure this week to participate in a 4 expert webinar and all of us were there to help parents prepare for their summer with their teens.

My role was to talk about sex, drugs and alcohol and how to get a plan set up with your teen on how to deal with the pressures around them.
As you can imagine, I talked a lot about communication.
Research shows every time that in families where there is more open communciation and clear rules and boundaries exist for teens to work with (and challenge!) are the families where in general teens have the least risk behaviors.

So as you prepare for summer: talk about it!
It is never too late to start talking with your child, step by step and bit by bit.

So you can plan together, share ideas, experiences and yes answer those hard questions (what did you do? When? and much more)
Because you will help your teen to be better prepared to deal with summer, the time off and the temptations and challenges it brings.

And o, yes, you will be better prepared too!

Enjoy,

wouter

Hello dear parents.

Back from Vancouver, BC and another group of dedicated volunteer parents.
It was great to see how they were trained in sessions to deal with open communication, conflict resolution and much more. All those topics you find in The Parent Program as well. 
And they are accessible in your home and for all parents in your area, 24/7!

After my  visits to conventions over the last weeks (3400 miles/5000 KM) I can surely say that parents everywhere are looking to help others deal with life, their kids and school better.
When you see those representatives in your area, applaud them for the endless hours they put into helping others like you get the resources you all need.

On that note: summer is coming and teenagers will be having more free time than ever. Aurelia Williams of parentingmyteen.com has organized a two evening teleseminar (May 16 and 17)with four experts (including myself) to talk about how to plan for the summer with your teen.
See the parenting resources page at www.theparentprogram.com for a link to this special session!

And for those in need of help with lice, visit www.lice911.ca for you questions on lice and how to get rid of the little creatures. Services and products by these wonderful ladies only available in Canada at this point. 

So now it is time to follow up with all those interested  parents  I met and then get ready for our trip to Europe, where my dad is turning 90! As I mention in The Parent Program, parenting is a life long relationship. And for some that is longer than for others!

Have fun,

wouter

Hello parents!

Well, I am back from Oregon and soon on the road again to Edmonton, Alberta.
I am continuously amazed at the dedication of parents who volunteer thousands of hours to PTAs, PTOs, parent councils, school councils and more.
The President of the Oregon PTA told me she had volunteered for the state PTA for 22 years. 

These parents are essential for all our children.
They are involved and committed to getting not just their kids but all kids the best at school they can get.
So the next time you see a parent you know is doing all that work, just say “thank you”.

Not because they are looking for that, but it sure feels nice when they get it!

Lots of great interest for The Parent Program too.
Parents recognize immediately what it can mean for their community.

My drive was glorious, sunshine from Salem, Oregon all the way to Salmon Arm BC.
Through the many apple orchards and winery areas in Washington and BC.

Next week the Rockies await me, still with snow cover in many places.
From green to white. Good thing I haven’t changed the winter tires yet.
And a new group of enthusiastic parents to meet!

Have good travels!

wouter
 

Hello from a gray and cool Salem, Oregon.

Inside the building here more sunshine with hundreds of committed parents attending the State PTA conference. 

I drove down from BC, Canada and along the fabulous scenery along the Columbia river to get here.
The PTA people still in build up for three days of excitement.

I always love seeing so many parents together, with the energy and fun they create.

I will be here with The Parent Program to spread the word!
I hope to be talking to many many parents and have one school or school dsitrict walk away with the doorprize of ten years access to the program! What a prize.

The survey, A Resource of Practical, will also be available at the booth, as it is on line now.

So I will let you know what I hear here!

Advice from the parents in Oregon: Just think you can go places, and you will!

Have fun,

wouter